malalai khan

instead of ever writing a complete, coherent collection of poems, i have written fragments i vowed i’d finish but never did. this one revolved around the sea which, ironically, i’ve never seen with my own two near-sighted eyes. i hated seeing it gather dust in my google document and i know i’m not going to finish it anytime soon either, so i’m just going to dump all the poems whether they make sense or not. bear in mind, they are from the past four years so pardon everything x

*

(Dedication)

To 
everyone who helped me 
sail on this endless sea, 
I hope the waves 
are kind to you. 

To 
all the lost souls
wandering at sea,
I hope
you find yourselves.

*

Waves lash up
Against my skin.
Seawater trickles 
down my throat.

I try to breathe
But saltiness cracks it through. 
My cheeks are wet 
But my eyes are dry.

Somewhere above
In my head,
Lightning strikes,
Thundering over me.

And then,
Everything turns pitch black
While the ocean
Eats me whole.

*

My head floats like a bubble,
hollow yet full.
It might burst
Just as that,
And the world will go on floating.

*

It felt as if
A thousand moons
Looked at me.
My voice disappeared
And my legs gave away,
As I was swept into the wave.

*

Wild cries! Wild cries!
Echoing near,
Slowly, they die
To find me in despair.

*

Just because I am quiet
Doesn’t mean I am calm.
Inside, I am battling
A whole thunderstorm.

My mind is covered in clouds,
Lightning strikes now and then.
The world is nothing
But a worthless bubble.

*

My hands are throbbing
From holding the buckets for too long.
I keep drinking and drinking
But they only get heavier (or is it my head.)

I am afraid of dropping them on the floor.
I am afraid of spilling them to the world.

My fingers are slipping, 
They will fall any moment now.
I’m tired. I have tried,
But I’m broken anyway.

*

The ghosts of the past
Haunt me  at night,
As I lie awake…
The moments of love,
Happiness,
And heartbreak.
I close the window
For the wind blows
All the memories
Back to me. 
The whispers grow 
louder and louder.
They won’t go,
And stick into me
With an echo, echo,
With a hello, hello.

*

My heart is somewhere
Lost at sea.
If you have the will,
Please find it for me.

*

There are times when I feel
Like a well of hope,
And times when I feel
Like a whirlpool of madness.

*

Don’t throw my anchor
Into the sea
That I learn not to sail.

Don’t cut off my anchor
That I become lost
On the vast ocean.

*

Of fallen cliffs
And tear-soaked shores,
Of empty chairs
And closed doors.

*

The world still turns,
as it burns.

*

Every time,
Depression comes and goes
Like a quiet ghost,
I am haunted 
I am hunted
By myself
And everything else.

*

How many times
Will I have to say
I am okay
Before I finally break
And say
I am not okay.

*

They are screaming for help
From above
and below,
For someone to understand and love.

*

Emily said dying is a wild night.
When will this night end? 
Will I ever see light? 
When will the sun rise? 
Will it be the morning sun 
or a midnight one?

*

Words keep spinning around,
And press into my mind.
They say fossils are formed 
When organisms are pressured into the ground.

I wish people would stop digging 
Into my ghastly life.
Because every time,
I find you like a trilobite.

I feel my bones collecting dust.
I wonder how I look in your head.
Am I lonely clay pot
Or a crumbling Greek bust?

*

God finds me on the shore,
beaten, splintered,
salted to the core.

God finds me begging for love,
warmth, peace,
some light from above. 

God finds me here and there,
in bits and pieces,
but I don’t find God anywhere. 

*

I am filling 
The emptiness
With stars, and
I have never felt
So full again.

*

With all my fears
Set aside,
Light shall be
My guide.

*

Like a wild beast,
She howled at the full moon.

Like a virgin lily,
She fluttered in full bloom.

*

Let my love for you
Be a star,
Guiding you with light.

Let your heart
Be a compass,
Navigating you in the night.

*

Whenever
I see your light,
The ocean inside
Me goes wild
In high tide.

*

I looked for others
And lost myself.
I looked for myself
And found myself.
And with that,
I found everything else.

*

I don’t know
What I will be
But I am hopeful
Of who I am
B e c o m i n g.

*

They ask her,
“Why do you dance in the storm?”

She tells them,
“I am the storm.”

*

No matter how much
The thunder roars,
It is still with the rain
That a flower grows.

x

(Featured Image: Watson and the Shark by John Singleton Copley, 1778)